The Muffin Man

I had heard R talk about the so-called “Muffin Man” quite a few times. R, having been on the overnight shift for a while got to know the MM pretty well, considering MM had been banished to the overnight shift years ago. And I’m guessing the banishment was due to his social ineptness and thievery. Yeah…he likes to steal stuff. Nothing important like your wallet…usually just food, coffee, office supplies…things like that.

My first meeting with the MM didn’t go so good. Mostly because I didn’t know who he was until after the fact and I didn’t realize I was supposed to look busy and not make eye contact. Thanks everybody…for the warning.

He comes walking into my office and instantly eyes me up. Not knowing who he is, I just stare right back at him and stand my ground. This is when I should have noticed that my boss and one of my other coworkers were huddled in the corner of the room pretending to work…when in fact, they were really just laughing at me. So MM, after a few seconds, finally says:

MM: You must be on the softball team here.

B: (Is this some sort of lesbo call out? So I get my ghetto head shake on and say) What are you trying to say?

MM: (As he is rifling through our medicine cabinet to steal shit)You look like you’d be a good softball player. I think you should be on the company team.

B: (completely confused by the entire situation) I didn’t even know they had one.

Now MM gets into a full blown conversation about the art of being a good softball team and the privilege of playing for the company. Like I give a flying shit about doing anything extracurricular for this company. Even if there is a chance I might meet other “softball players” there.

He has now walked away from the front of my desk and after he has stolen enough of our band aids and generic Aspirin. He walks around to the side now and he is STILL babbling nonsense to me. He makes absolutely no sense and you actually start to think you might be crazy or drugged or something because you can’t understand him. I’m so freaked out by him at this point that I send an email to my coworkers for a little help getting him away from me. F*ckers…more giggling from the other side of the room.

MM finally stops talking because he’s now rooting through all our stuff on the table next to our desks where the coffee pot is. I assume he’s looking for food. There was none there so he waves to me and makes his way out of the office. Now my coworkers are cracking up. I thank them oh so graciously for all the help getting him away from me. And then they ask me what he stole. I told them I didn’t think he stole anything. My boss points to the table with the coffee pot and asks me what’s missing.

That prick stole our antibacterial hand sanitizer. What the F is wrong with him?

Now I know you’re all going to ask why he’s called the Muffin Man. Well…I have no idea. I’ll have to check with R. Or perhaps he’ll comment with the explanation…