Is that a…

X is big into caves. I know, how exciting. To be honest, he likes all things that are dark and creepy so this shouldn’t come as any big surprise. So when he found out there were caverns under the Smoky Mountains, he was all about it. And since I still feel bad about never going to the underwater caves with him when we were in Puerto Rico, I insisted on going with him this time. And everyone else came too.

Off we go on our hour long excursion to the Forbidden Caverns. We finally get there and A and G head inside to check out pricing and get the low down on the tour. Me and X are waiting in the parking lot for K, who had knee surgery and takes a little bit longer to walk everywhere then the rest of us. And as K is heading across the parking lot to us she says,

K: Hey X

X: Yes K

K: Is it gonna be dark in there?

I’m about ready to unleash on her with a million and one nasty comments on what a stupid fucking question that is when X puts his hand up in a rare parental like moment.

X: Yes K, it’s a cave.



At this point I can’t even deal with it and walk away and meet up with A and G…our pseudo parents on the trip. X and K eventually catch up to us and off we go on our cavern tour. And within the first thirty seconds, I realize that flip flops were not the best idea for hiking through a damp and dark cave with rough terrain.

And after another thirty seconds, I’m aware that strange creatures hide in dark, damp places. Creatures such as snakes, spiders and bats. I’m ok with bats. I figure I’ll just duck if I see one coming and the problem will be averted. It’s the snakes and spiders that are an issue for me. I am petrified of both of them. One of these days I’ll post about the tarantula in our house in Puerto Rico. Horrible. But that’s another story.

Apparently somebody read my mind about the creatures, because another lady in the tour asks the guide about it. And she says there are bats, but you don’t see that much of them. And there are spiders, but it’s an even rarer occasion when you see them. Ok…that’s fine. But this occasion of me being in the cave better be one of those rare ones where they stay in hiding.

So we continue on our tour, hearing about moonshiners from prohibition and even seeing some of their old equipment that was left down there after the government raided them. We learned all about stalactites and stalagmites. Stalactites are the ones that grow down and stalagmites are the ones that grow up. I’m sure you’ll sleep good tonight now that you know that. And we continue through the tour to the largest Onyx wall in America. Maybe even the world, I can’t really remember. It was actually pretty cool though. And the guide asked us very nicely if we would take our pictures of the wall and move out of the tiny space when we were done so everyone could see it. Which of course we did…and formed a single file line in the narrow corridor we were about to venture down next.



X just happened to be first in line in this corridor. And K was behind him with me behind her. A was directly behind me and G was bringing up the rear of this misfit train. We were all waiting patiently while the other group members snapped pictures of the wall, when I thought I saw something flutter out of the corner of my eye. I didn’t think anything of it until I hear X say, “Is that a…”

All I’m thinking at this point is “a what?” And that’s when I turn and see it. A bat…flying right at his face. Well, as I turned to look, so did everyone else. And K starts yelling and ducks down behind X, grabbing a hold of my leg. And behind me I’ve got A shrieking her head off and ducking down grabbing my other leg. So now I can’t move and there’s a fucking bat just a couple of feet away from my head. My only choice is to throw my arms up over my head and hope to God that this bitch doesn’t get stuck in my hair or something. Because you know I’m 85% disaster and it wouldn’t be a big surprise. The bat swooped down and went to the right of X’s face and started heading up when it was parallel to me.

Thankfully X, G and I made it through the bat attack unscathed. And of course A and K made it through just fine…they were using the rest of us to block for them. Bitches. They’re going down next time.

Below, a stalagmite...