Give me my food and shut it...

I swear…crazy people find me. They fucking seek me out. This was more than evident on Saturday night when I went to dinner with my mother.

We were having a perfectly nice time, laughing, conversing…the usual. Everything was fine until the waitress brought over our dinner. As my mom was finishing her salad, I glanced out the windows and zoned out for a second. And as I’m staring out the window, the waitress showed up behind me with the food. My mom didn’t say anything because her mouth was full, so she tapped me on the arm. I turned to see the waitress standing there with the food, so I apologized and moved my arm out of the way.

As she puts down the food she says:

W: You were really spacing out there. My four year old calls it going to space.

B: Yeah. I was zoning out for a second. My fantasy world is a lot nicer than my real world…so I try to spend as much time there as possible. (I’m laughing as I say this to her.)

W: I know. It’s terrible when you have nothing to live for.

What? I never said I had nothing to live for. I was just making a joke about zoning out. I’m not suicidal. What is wrong with this woman. And to make matters worse, she won’t leave the table. So I’m sitting there staring at my dinner, that I really want to eat, and she breaks into this lecture about how I need to work somewhere with an employer that really motivates their employees to be happy. I never said anything to her about my job. Aside from being nuts, she’s apparently a mind reader. I just nod and tell her this is an excellent idea. Meanwhile, my mom wants to eat her scallops, but this broad forgot the cocktail sauce. So she leaves to go get it.

It gets even more interesting when she comes back…

W: Now, this normally isn’t my thing, because I’m a Buddhist, but there’s this church in town that is really great.

B: What? (Just for the record, my mother isn’t even trying to help me out. She is doing her best to ignore the whole situation and enjoy her dinner.)

W: Seriously, you should check it out. They’re so wonderful and they encourage people to be happy and follow their dreams. They have a great youth group…

This is when she pauses and gives me a knowing look…

W: And the minister is completely ok with same sex marriages.

Is this bitch kidding me right now? I just want to eat my fucking dinner. I don’t care what this minister is ok with. GET AWAY FROM ME NOW, YOU FREAK SHOW.

B: I’m sure he’s lovely, but I don’t do church.

W: But this is different, it’s not as preachy. They just want everybody happy.

She is obviously relentless…I guess I’m going to have to give in.

B: Well, maybe I’ll swing by there tomorrow for a sermon. (I’m not even sure if sermon is what you call it when you go to church. I’m grasping at straws so she’ll leave me alone.)

W: I think it will make you happy.

B: Ok…

She finally leaves. My mother finally looks up and all she has to say is…

M: Can you do me a favor and not look out the window anymore. I can’t take much more of her.

B: Do I look suicidal or something? What the fuck is wrong with her?

M: I don’t know. She’s weird. Stop talking to her.

B: I’ve been trying to stop talking to her for a while now. You know, I bet she’s one of the ones who would’ve drank the kool-aid.

M: Oh yeah.

Dinner is finally over and she comes back with my zucchini appetizer wrapped up for me…winking and telling me that she gave me extra horseradish sauce. Well that’s certainly something worth living for.