I generally find that bachelorette parties are always a drunken overload of estrogen. But, nonetheless, I always go to them because drinking myself into oblivion always outweighs girly bullshit.
The last bachelorette party I was at took place last week. The bride-to-be isn’t a big drinker or clubgoer, so the Maid of Honor planned a more low-key get together with activities that could be done drunk or sober. I’m sure it goes without saying that I decided to drink during mini-golf. Why not?
It doesn’t really get exciting until after mini-golf and dinner…although we did get to see guidos ticketed on the boardwalk for what I’m sure was “disturbing the peace.” And then we got to see the guido’s girlfriend chest bumping him, trying to continue the altercation. But, like we said, you know you’re a guido (guidette??) when you wear high heels to the beach.
Dinner was relatively low-key too, except that we found it necessary to do shots of Red Bull and Stoly O (they’re called tic-tacs and it actually wasn’t Stoly O because I knew the bartender and he hooked us up with a bunch of free shots and better quality vodka). And there was a fight with the one random in-law about not paying enough for dinner. This bitch kept a running total of everybody’s drinks in her head and refused to pay more than $10. Bitch. Whatever, I was too drunk at this point to care.
The night really got interesting when we got back to the MOH’s house…for the sex toy party. Of course the “toy hostess” is late, so we have nothing better to do but continue drinking. So when she finally arrives we’re extra sauced. At least most of us…
It only takes her a few minutes to set up and she summons us into the living room. We’re instructed to grab a folder and a pen and to find a seat. Once were seated she passes out two sheets of aluminum foil to everyone. She then announces a little competition. We all have 30 seconds to shape a penis out of the foil.
Well, the thirty seconds came and went, and behold, we were left with a winner…me. What the fuck? Firstly, I’m wasted. Secondly, I’m not artistically inclined at all. And thirdly, I haven’t been up close and personal with a dick in quite some time now. And what was my prize…strawberry lickety lube (which I need like I need a hole in the head) and some nipple nibbler (which I don't necessarily need but can’t wait to use!)
The only thing I have to say about this is….SHAME ON YOU STRAIGHT GIRLS. SHAME ON YOU.
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