Unholy Encounter

On Saturday my mother made me go to Costco with her. I fucking hate Costco, especially on a weekend. I was forced into this because she needed help stocking up on crap for the week long festivities known as Crazy Nanny’s 80th birthday extravaganza.

So I’m strolling through the store, dodging peoples misbehaved children, throwing cheese, water, fruit, veggies, chips…all the usual crap…in the cart. I’m pausing for a minute, checking out a tequila lime marinated turkey breast, when I look up and see what’s coming down the aisle towards me. A nun. I’m afraid of nuns.

Here she comes, dressed to the nines in holy wear. And it wasn’t the usual black and white attire; it was that Mother Theresa looking outfit…the white clothes with the blue trim. With a 4-inch metal cross on her lapel. (Does she think there’s a fucking vampire infestation in Jersey?) Now I’m nervous. I always get nervous around people of the cloth. I just assume they’re going to see right through me and be able to tell I’m gay (as if the long shorts, ringer t-shirt and hat didn’t give it away), or worse yet, that I think the church is full of shit.

I do some internal debating, like, should I turn back to my turkey breast and ignore her, do I say hi, do I stare her down, throw the turkey at her (just kidding)…I choose the mature adult option and smile nicely at her and give her my “I don’t know what to say, so I’ll nod” head nod. Well…apparently mature was not the way to go. She shot me the dirtiest look and turned her head away from me. What the fuck? I thought the church was supposed to teach kindness and understanding and most importantly, acceptance. (Although they still won’t really accept gay people…unless they are a priest and well, you know…)

Apparently she could tell I’m not catholic and that I believe in god mostly out of a fear of being wrong and destined for an eternity in hell(given my current place of employment I’ve been wondering how bad it could be, if it’s really that different at all?). I’ve been a worried mess since Saturday though. Why didn’t she like me? Am I going to hell? I'm usually a good person...what the fuck?

I think I might start going to church. I might as well, I've apparently already developed that Catholic guilt problem.