Rafter Humping

NOTE: I don’t want everybody to think I’m some kind of perv who loves strip clubs. I only go about once or twice a year and I can honestly say it’s mostly for blog research than enjoyment. I said mostly. And I feel like I’m doing some sort of odd civic duty by supporting these girls. It’s not their fault life took a bad turn.

We had already determined that an hour drive to Knoxville was way too long to drive to go line dancing, (this useful information came to us from the friendly lady at the square dance) we decided we wanted to go to a strip club. And, go figure, it was in Knoxville. So we quickly reconsidered that hour drive, and came to a new conclusion. Pack up the cooler kids, we’re going to a BYOB strip club!

The Mouse’s Ear is quite an establishment. It took us a good ten minutes to find a table…not because it was that busy, but because when we walked in there were about twenty five girls dancing naked together on stage. They were rubbing up and down all over each other. And there was another ten girls wandering around the club giving table dances. I’m sure we were quite a sight, standing there with our mouths wide open and our arms full of Pabst Blue Ribbon cans. This does not go on in Jersey.

Of course the girls all give us the eye at first, and finally one comes over. X doesn’t hesitate to get a dance from her. Not on top of the table, just a $10 one, in front of the table. And she proceeds to shake her ass. Right in my face. She wasn’t very cute. Whatever, perhaps I just didn’t drink enough PBR’s. X then tipped her a little extra and word spread fast because these girls were on us like white on rice. Apparently I scared the first girl off though, because when I went to get change at the juice bar she asked me if she could sit with us. What? Sit? I’m a moron when it comes to talking to girls. I can’t stress this enough. And if you don’t believe me you can ask any of the girls I’ve dated. I thought she was a dancer…what does she need to sit for. So I finally say, “I guess so.” Yup, didn’t see her again for the rest of the night. But that’s ok…because Amethyst came over.

Amethyst (sure that’s her real name) is quite a girl. About 5’2, maybe a hundred pounds. She’s a smidge on the sassy side. My kinda girl. After chatting us up for thirty seconds, she hustled us into buying a table dance. Up she hops onto our table, which is a bit wobbly, so she instructs us where to place our feet on the legs of it so she doesn’t fall. At which point I told her if she did, she could fall right on me. I’m all class sometimes, but thankfully she was amused by my charm. Who isn’t really!? Anyway, she starts dancing and informs us that for a table dance, she stays up for two songs, not just one. What a bargain. She’s actually a pretty good dancer and she’s WAY into it, taking off her clothes (by clothes I mean thong and bikini top). All five of us were pretty mesmerized. But then…it gets better…

Right in the middle of her dance, she reaches up and grabs the rafter above her head. She had been rubbing her hands along it occasionally so I didn’t think anything of it. But now, she stops and grabs onto it and pulls herself up. And proceeds to swing herself around. And then she pulls herself all the way and squeezes her legs into the rafter. And humps the shit out of it. All the while she’s upside down and she flings her head back and stared at us very seductively. It’s been two weeks and my neck still hurts from all the twisting and maneuvering I was doing to view the show at the best angle.

I’m patriotic, go USA...win gold medals. But fuck Michael Phelps and Shawn Johnson. I have never seen athleticism like this before.

And if all of this wasn’t enough, Amethyst was kind enough to have her SUPER HOT bisexual friend come and sit with us two. Who had a Zelda tattoo and X fell in love with her. And Zelda girl (too many PBR’s at this point, I can’t remember her “name”) also gave us a table dance. But she was new, so Amethyst had to coach her through it. I have to tell you…watching somebody learn how to give a table dance is rather entertaining. And Zelda girl was asking me about lesbians from Jersey, because the ones in Tennessee didn’t like her (I told you Tennessee is fucked up) so she started dating a guy.

It was a bizarre evening to say the very least. And they were discussing their plans for after work partying. Amethyst kept hinting that they were going to a friend’s house down the street. I’m pretty sure that if we pursued it we could have been at that after party. But, did I really want to be the girl who goes to the stripper’s house? Nah. Maybe. What the fuck is wrong with us?