TV Flashback

There’s this guy that hangs out at my favorite bar, The Ark, who looks a lot like Tom Selleck. I told him this to his face one night and he was thoroughly amused. I was(drunk of course)calling him the ultimate Halloween costume…all he needs is a Tigers hat and a Hawaiian shirt and he’s Magnum PI.

Well, Magnum (I actually can’t remember his real name) had taken a liking to one of my friends, C. C thought he was nice and they hit it off one night, and when he asked for her number she gave it to him. And then she never heard from him. She didn’t really care and one night, about a month ago, we were at The Ark and Magnum walked in. He was drunk, and possibly feeling guilty about not calling her, so he sat down with us.

After about twenty minutes or so of his babbling, C had had enough. She excused herself and the two of us went to smoke a cigarette. After we go back in and sit down, Magnum proceeds to keep asking C if she hates him. She just laughed and told him no.

Well, Magnum never called C and she couldn’t be happier about it. And about a week after the “Do you hate me” night, I went to The Ark, without C, and there’s Magnum, looking drunkenly intimate with another woman. Hey…who am I to judge…good for him.

For some reason though, Magnum seemed nervous by me being there. Why? I don’t know. It’s not like I was going to cockblock him. C thinks he’s a drunken moron. So after a couple of hours of avoidance(on his part)and a couple of hours of me drinking Jack and Diets, we all wind up outside the back door for a cigarette break.

The cigarette break is going well, except for the fact that it was raining and we were all huddled under the overhang outside the door. And there are two bikes parked there making space limited. And I wind up standing right on top of Magnum’s girl, giving me my first real chance to get a look at her. She seems quiet, but it was hard to tell. She has an empty look on her face, which after chatting, I concluded she’s not too bright. And after more careful inspection, I find that she has a good body, but she is WAY over tanned. The one thing that was really driving me nuts was her hair. It’s bleach blonde and spiky. Ridiculous.

Magnum decides that things are Kosher and he goes back inside. Leaving her outside with my friends and I. This was my cue. I looked at her and said, “You know, you look like Brigitte Nielsen.” She didn’t seem to know what to say and paused for a moment, before replying, “I guess that’s a compliment?”

I assured her that it was. “Oh yeah, not like cracked out Brigitte Nielsen that was fucking Flavor Flav. More like the ‘80’s Brigitte Nielsen that was fucking Sylvester Stallone.” My friend X adamantly agreed, yet she still didn’t seem pleased with my comparison. At this point I stumbled a little and took a step back, right into one of the bikes that was parked there. I laughed and announced that I had a handlebar up my ass. “Brigitte” just shook her head at me and went back inside.

All of my smoking buddies agreed with me on the resemblance and that it was definitely a compliment. Apparently she hasn’t gotten over it yet…I haven’t seen her in there since then.

Oh well. I suppose when you look like an 80’s icon, you should date other people that look like 80’s icons.