Costco Is Dangerous

**It should be said before you read this blog that I despise going to Costco. I also don’t think their employees exist in reality. Think about it…they’re all so damn weird, I’m convinced a spaceship drops them off in the back everyday, and picks them up again later that night.**

Costco is completely fucking dangerous and I feel that it’s my civic duty to warn you all about it. I had the unfortunate experience of going there a couple of Saturdays ago…for one simple container of dip. S was having her birthday/housewarming party and I was on dip duty. How hard could that be…

So off to Costco I go and I just happened to be on the phone with C. I told her the place looked like a mob scene and to let me get off the phone so I could shop. I had surprisingly gotten a nice spot only one row over from the door and I had a good feeling about my impending shopping experience. I spoke to soon. As I get out of my car and go to cross the lane, I see a car coming towards me. But the woman appears to be slowing up...ahh, I think to myself, she's going to be nice and let me cross in front of her. Nope. The bitch was looking for a spot and just as I step out into traffic she floors it in an attempt to find a new one after she realizes the people aren’t leaving. Now she's only a few short feet from taking me out. Cool. I hustle across and jump out of the way as she slams on her breaks. That was fun...how much worse can it get? I’ve spoken too soon…again.

In I go and wave the membership card at the greeter. I pick up my pace, weaving in and out of old people, children and the browsers who take up entire aisles with their carts full of shit. Do you really need 300 cookies and the economy size bag of sausage…I don’t fucking think so. I’m now at the back of the store and it was pretty uneventful. I march right over to the dips…damn it. There’s no Baja Chipotle Lime dip…or whatever the hell it’s called. A friend of mine had it once and it’s delicious. A nice change from the usual Spinach Dip. Ok…maybe the Baja stuff is over by the cheese. It’s a cheese base…it could be. So I walk around the aisle and head to the cheese. Damn it. It’s not

As I’m heading back to the dip section, I feel a thud on my upper arm and I actually lost balance. What the fuck? I look up and some woman, around 60 or so, has full on shoved me out of the way with very little regard for my well being. Sweet Jesus. It was nearing riot like conditions. And in all honestly, I certainly couldn’t push an older woman in retaliation…no matter how badly I wanted to…so I retrieved my Spinach Dip and headed towards the front of the store to pay.

All the lines seemed crazy and I was searching for the shortest one. I spot one with a bunch of people, but very few items. Tada…I found my line. As I approach the register, I realize that they seem to be all in the same family. They’ve got Grandpa and Grandma with them and Mom and Dad and about a dozen kids. Ok…maybe a dozen is an exaggeration, but there was AT LEAST four of the little savages running circles around me. Fantastic! And on top of it, they’re only speaking Spanish. It was mind numbing.

In an attempt to avoid these children, I stand at the back of the register belt thing for where you put your groceries. I was right in the middle of it, one side is for carts and the other side is for members. I just wanted to wait for the giant family to finish up. But in doing so, other customers got in line behind me. One of these customers was a really old lady, definitely late 70’s who was obviously half blind and had her cane with her in the cart. And she lines up right next to me, but with her cart in the member section of the line. So now the register girl has her assistant (Seriously, a fucking assistant? You ring groceries at the Costco and you need an assistant? Whatever.) tell the old lady she has to bring the cart to the other side of the line. This is all well and good, but since she can’t see too well, she slams the cart into my hip in the process and pins me against the register belt. And repeatedly slams the cart into me until I so graciously help her move it…BEFORE I NEED A FUCKING CANE.

So now I have helped the old lady and she’s situated where she needs to be and the assistant (I’m really bothered by the checker outer people having an assistant.) is helping her unload her cart. Old lady was thanking me and thanking me…trust me, it was my pleasure. Unfortunately, with all the commotion, the assistant has already lined up the stuff for the old lady directly behind the giant Mexican family’s stuff. Shit. Now where am I supposed to put my Spinach Dip? I knew this was going to be a problem. I decided to place it down on the side of the conveyor belt thing, directly next to the divider separating the giant family and the old lady.

The (obviously overworked because she needs a fucking assistant) checker girl finally finishes the giant family and picks up the divider to start on the old lady’s stuff. So I quickly pick up the Spinach Dip and hand it to her.

CG: (pointing at the old lady’s stuff) Is that yours?

B: No.

CG: (points at the Spinach Dip and then to the Mexican family as they were leaving) Was that theirs?

B: No.

Checker girl huffs at me and yanks the Spinach Dip out of my hand. Now I’m pissed.

B: (extraordinarily sarcastic) I’m so sorry my dip wasn’t in between dividers like your Costco rules state, but I didn’t want to get adopted by the giant family, party of 27, and I certainly didn’t want to get run into by Helen Keller anymore so I helped her with the cart. Excuse me that I got a little sidetracked with the divider situation.

She just shoots me a look and thrusts out her hand…

CG: Member card

I hand her the card. And now I’m just expecting trouble, because it’s actually not my card. It’s my mom’s. I avoid that place as much as possible, why the hell would I need my own membership.

Thankfully she didn’t notice the picture and continued to cash me out without saying a word. Good. I grabbed my receipt and stormed towards the front door…barely stopping for the the guy to put that stupid Sharpie slash mark on it.

Fucking Costco. I hate it. And I found out after the fact that I could have gotten the same Spinach Dip at Foodtown. Son of a…