Toilet Paper

Here’s another Puerto Rico story. One of the best considering we still keep telling it…much to C’s displeasure.

It was our first day in PR. We landed early that morning and we were all wiped out from the 6am flight. Mostly because we had never went to bed and got drunk and took a limo from The Ark to the airport at 3am. But that’s how we roll. We actually got to our rental house so early that the cleaning crew was still there. So as a group we decided we should head to the grocery store and stock up on booze. Oh…and food and toilet paper too.

After a couple of hours and two overflowing carts later, we get back to the house with all our crap. After careful inspection of our living quarters for the next week and a half, we determine that it’s not nearly as nice as the website made it out to be and that of the three bathrooms, one was outside and had bugs in it, the other was upstairs by the three bedrooms and the third seemed to be missing. Thankfully X was perceptive to notice the extra door in KB’s bedroom and wiggled the lock and low and behold the third bathroom appeared. Freshly cleaned and ready for action. But this wasn’t good enough for C.

C had already taken a mental inventory of the TP on hand in the house and decided we didn’t have enough and we should go back to the store. After the group trip grocery shopping this was the last thing we wanted to do. Plus, we had bought a big multi-pack, so we weren’t sure what the urgency was all about. C’s a little weird sometimes.

We had just settled in and gotten the groceries put away and we all wanted to take a nap and relax. A and G went upstairs to unpack and take showers and freshen up. Rightly so, after a long night and an even longer morning. It seemed like only seconds after they went up to use the bathroom that C started about how he had to take a dump. And he wouldn’t stop bitching about it.

X, KB, KH and I all kept telling him to go use the bathroom in KB’s room. He refused. He was adamant about the fact that he had to use the upstairs bathroom. Weirdo. We could all understand that he wouldn’t want to use the outside one, with all the bugs and stuff. But what was wrong with KB’s? Nobody had used it yet. Honestly, not one person had even peed in the damn thing since it was cleaned. But his excuse was he didn’t think we were allowed to use it. What? The website said three bathrooms…and it wasn’t locked, the door was just stuck. Nope…he wouldn’t use it. He wouldn’t even consider it. So he sat there in complete discomfort, moaning and bitching. And not so patiently waited for A and G to get done upstairs.

Finally, the moment arrived. He went upstairs and made sure they were done. He settled in for what was going to be the greatest dump of his life, or at least that’s what it seemed like to the rest of us. And just a few minutes later…

C: (Frantically yelling from upstairs like fucking Hannibal Lecter was in the damn bathroom) X. X.

We were all sitting in the living and were alarmed by the urgency in his voice. So I ran up the stairs and X was right behind me.

B: (Outside the bathroom door.) What’s wrong? Are you ok?

C: (Annoyed) I just need X.

X: I’m right here…what’s wrong?

C: (You could hear him swallowing his pride at this point. And he’s now talking at a near whisper.) Can you get me some of the toilet paper from downstairs?

I could have peed my pants. This idiot went on and on about the bathroom and the upstairs one being the best and kept a running fucking tally of the TP we had on hand…and this is what happens.

So we go back downstairs and X gets him some toilet paper from the “other” bathroom. We all think this is the funniest thing ever. And when X gets back down from the covert drop off, I tell him that C’s going to be mad at me because I went upstairs. Which I only did out of sheer concern. His voice cracked for Christ’s sake. I thought something was wrong.

And sure enough, here’s comes C downstairs and he points right at me…

C: You are so nosy. I wasn’t calling for you.

All I could do was laugh. I knew he was going to say that. But X had my back…

X: Nosy? The neighbors heard you screaming and thought something was wrong.

Ahh…C. I highly recommend bringing him on vacation with you. He’s a laugh a minute. Just wait until I tell you about how he wrecked the rental car.