Overeaters Anonymous

From February, 2007

Yesterday was Friday…which means I got home from work at 4am and woke up again promptly at 9:45am. Why, do you ask…would I do such a thing? Because it's time for my Overeater's Anonymous meeting. Every Friday morning Nanny (my 78-year-old grandmother…I know, she made it this far and she's gonna go on a diet, I don't get it either, but the company is nice. Especially considering crazy Nanny doesn't even make an attempt at keeping her comments to herself.) and I hit up the local fat girl meeting.

And what, may you ask is Overeater's Anonymous? Well, that's just Betsey Talk for Weight Watchers. I hate calling it Weight Watchers though. Sure, we're watching our weight…but the real reason most (and I say most for a reason) of us are there is because we eat like savages. We don't understand the concept of a handful of chips…we eat the whole fucking bag. And ice cream…why buy a scooper...we just dig a spoon right into the old quart. Let's not beat around the bush…it's AA for fat people.

Now don't get me wrong…I don't want anyone to think I'm bashing good 'ol OA. If you stick to the plan it really works. I've lost 20 or so pounds already. I do have my bad days…for instance, last night when I had some nachos, buffalo chicken tenders and numerous alcoholic beverages, but overall I stick to my points. And I am a bit predatory…in the sense that maybe one of these low self esteem chubby chicks will be so miserable with dating and men in general that I'll be able to swing her over to the dark side. It's certainly not my main goal, but hey, a little ass is a little ass! And no, I have no problem throwing a little flirtation out there in front of Nanny. She'd have no idea what I was doing. She's convinced that "those queers" don't live in her town. Oh Nanny, if you only knew…

I will however discuss some of the people that attend OA. It's quite an interesting character study. For instance…

Our team leader…or whatever the hell the meeting MC is called. They are always bubbly. Obnoxiously chipper. She's always got some little poem at the end of the meetings about not giving up. Overall she's not that bad…it all depends on whether or not you lost weight that week. If you lost some weight…you're all about it. If you didn't…well, you want to shove her poem down her throat. Mine in particular is always to the point. I like that…I don't want to turn this shit into a career. A little motivation, a recipe tip or two and I'm outta there.

Sunglass Lady…I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks, but when she comes, she always keeps her sunglasses on throughout the entire meeting. Of course I assume she has some sort of eye sensitivity problem or something and she needs the glasses on. Oh no. She happens to blurt out one day in the middle of the meeting that she leaves the glasses on because she cries. Because she doesn't lose any weight. And she thinks maybe, just maybe it's because of how medicated she is. Because she can't handle life anymore. What the fuck? Maybe, now I'm going out on a limb here considering I'm not a fucking doctor, just maybe, you need to get your emotional issues better under wraps before you try OA. We all got big asses sweetheart…aka, we have our own fucking problems. We're not here to talk you off the ledge.

Miss Motivation…I'm sure every OA meeting across the country has one of these broads. She's not the meeting host…she's just a regular member like the rest of us…yet she doesn't shut the fuck up. Everything the host says you see her sitting there nodding her head…it's like being at a gospel church…give me a hallelujah sister. She never forgets to tell everyone how great she's doing and she's always raising her hand with some sort of advice for everybody. She's like that annoying kid in school who would practically squirm out of their desk to tell the teacher the answer. You know, the one you wanted to fucking smack. I'm telling you…I'm just waiting for this bitch to show up in a cheerleader outfit with a WW across the front of it. And she'll definitely have matching pom-poms. She's just too much.

The Lazy Housewives…I hate these bitches with a passion. They make me crazy. I would love nothing more than to be a housewife. And these broads always think they have the toughest life. So let me get this straight…you have a husband who goes to work everyday and gives you free reign over HIS paycheck and you have a couple of kids, who, after a few years go to school all day. All you have to do is clean the house and make dinner. Occasionally you have to drop the little fuckers off at little league. You have plenty of time to go to the gym. So needless to say, I go borderline crazy when I hear these bimbos complain about not having any time to make healthy food and it's just easier to swing through the Mickey D's drive-thru. I work 40 hours a week or more and I have a 3-4 hour commute every day. Guess what, I find the time to eat healthy. Stop complaining or I'm calling your husband and insisting that he make your lazy ass go back to work. I feel so bad for that poor bastard.

The I Don't Understand Girls…These are the chicks that habitually gain weight or it stays the same. And they just can't figure it out. Crazy Nanny falls into this category. She seems to be under the impression that she can eat macaroni and cheese and pasta and sausage the majority of the week, and then spend one day eating a little salad and a tiny piece of fish and all the crap she ate is just cancelled out. It's one of two things ladies…You're either not attributing the correct amount of points to what you're eating or you're hiding in the closet with a large pizza and a bag of Doritos and pretending like it didn't happen.

And now, last but certainly not least…And this is why I said "most of us" above…

Old Trophy Wife/Skinny Woman (not to be mistaken with the other skinny women who are there because they've actually lost upwards of 60lbs and continue the meetings and the plan to maintain their weight.)…I love this chick. She's about 55 or so and she's not fat at all. Not even a little. She's definitely that woman who was gorgeous when she was younger and whose weight never went above 125 lbs. her entire life. But now, with a few decades under her tiny little belt, age is starting to affect her and she has ballooned up to a whopping 135 lbs. Jesus, Oprah should do a show. It's an atrocity how out of control she's gotten with food…it's become like an addiction. Shut the fuck up and go have a sandwich at the country club. At the end of the day her problem is that she's a.) never worked a day in her life and b.) she doesn't look as good as the new addition of trophy wives that her husband's young law partners are bringing around. Another one that really just needs to talk it out with a therapist. I have to admit though…I do like Old Trophy Wife…she cracks me up. She better watch out though. If she keeps complaining about how hard it is to stay thin in front of the other fatties, they're gonna jump her and stuff a Snickers down her throat.

Well…I feel like I've been mean enough for now. Tune in next week, same bat time, same bat channel for my theory on gym bunnies. Seriously…who the fuck is supposed to look that good when they're running on a treadmill.