Ass Full of What?

I figure everybody is in need of another Crazy Nanny story. I also figure it sheds some light onto why I’m so fucked up. Genetics are a bitch!

This story takes place back in July. My family was throwing a surprise 80th birthday party for Nanny in August, and along with that, we all decided to have a family picture taken. You know, one of those cute ones where we’re all in matching outfits and looking so happy and sweet. Yeah. We did it. Except instead of matching outfits, each one of Crazy Nanny’s children had to wear a different colored polo shirt and their significant other and children had to match them. So now we look like a fucking gay pride family. What’s also very funny about the pictures though is that Crazy Nanny was holding a bottle of water in almost everyone. Of course she was.

I should have known the whole event was going to be trouble while we were still on our way up to the beach. I drove up with Nanny and my mom, and I spent most of the ride trying not to spill the fruit punch I was drinking on my shirt. Because I would look extra cute with a big red stain on my shirt. Anyway, we turned off of Rt. 35 onto Osborne Avenue, as this leads to East Avenue and the beach entrances. Just as we were about to turn onto East Avenue, I notice a guy and a girl on bikes in the middle of the road (It’s a one way street and everybody rides down the middle and they move over for cars) and I’m sure my mom did too. Apparently so did Nanny, because before we had even made it all the way around the corner, she shouts from the back seat, scaring the crap out of both my mother and I…

CN: “HONK YOUR HORN BETTE ANNE. THESE TWO MUST WANT AN ASS FULL OF FENDER.”

What? Has she lost her fucking mind? I start cracking up and my poor mom can do nothing but shake her head. And when I turned around and looked at her, she just started laughing and told me I’m lucky that I have such a “hip” grandmother. Oh sure…if that’s what you want to call it. But, honestly, there’s nothing better than hearing your 58 year old mother get called by her first and middle name, like she just got caught cutting school or something.

Another bright moment at this little excursion was my dopey uncle. All of us adults spent the majority of the time keeping the four little kids away from the ocean. If I heard, “GET AWAY FROM THAT WATER!” once I heard it a thousand frigin’ times. But of course, 38 year old E. strolls down to the edge and gets smashed by a wave. So he now spends the remainder of the time getting his picture taken in soaking wet pants.

Ahhh. Family time is always so much fun!